December 2007 - Posts

• December 19, 2007

  Well here we go again,  it's hard to believe another month has passed us by.  Not to much has changed for us.  The holiday season has left us with so many mixed emotions.  I am trying so hard to make this a nice Christmas for the boys but it is hard to do when you find yourself in tears every day.  My heart is aching for my little girl and I am back to wandering and getting  nothing accomplished.  It feels like I am going in reverse but I guess that is part of the awful rollercoaster ride we started back in January 2006. Christopher and I decorated our tree about 2 weeks ago.......how depressing that was.  It was always such a fun time with so many great memories.  Not this year.  We got through it with heavy hearts and quite a few tears.  Like everything we do, things will never be the same for us.  I guess the point is, we did it and made it through.  Jason is 15 months old today and has no off switch.  He is so full of life it's refreshing.  Wish he could share some of that energy.  Although he looks a lot like Christopher, there is a lot of Samantha in him.  He can definately brighten a bad moment.  Christopher will celebrate his 10th birthday tomorrow, where did that time go?!  He has grown up so much it is scary.  He is such a good big brother and Jason lights up when he walks in to a room, just like Samantha always did.  I think that helps his sadness some.  We plan to spend Christmas at home with some family and hope the day goes okay, for Christopher mostly as it will be tough without Samantha by his side.  If only there was something we could do to make it okay.  Ten long months without our preciuos little princess feels like an eternity.  Samantha we are so lost without you, you are deeply loved and missed Angel. Let's pray 2008 will be the year the cure is found for the "monster" that has taken so many children we came to know and love over the past 22 months.  The smiles, bright eyes, and most of all COURAGE of these preciuos little ones will be with us for the rest of our lives.  Happy, Healthy, Holidays to all. With Love, Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason Posted Dec 19 2007, 01:36 PM by admin with 2 comment(s)

• I HOPE.....

  I HOPE...I hope you never have to hear the words, "Your child has cancer."I hope you never have to hear,"the prognosis is not good".I hope you never have to prepare to undergo radiation or chemotherapy,have a port surgically inserted into their chest, be connected to IV poles.Look at you with fear in their eyes and say,"Don't worry Mommy, everything will be okay."I hope you never have to hold your child as they vomit green bile,I hope you never have to feed them ice chips for lunch,I hope you never have to watch the "cure" you pray for slowly take away their identity, as they, lose their hair,become skeletal,swell up from steroids,become barely or unable to walk or move,and look at you with hope in their eyes and say, "It's going to be okay, Mommy."I hope you never have to stay in the hospital for weeks, months or years at a time,where there is no privacy, sleeping on a slab, with your face to the wall,where you cry in muffled silence.I hope you never have to see a Mother, alone, huddled, in a dark hospital corridor...crying quietly,after just being told, "there is nothing more we can do."I hope you never have to use every bit of energy you have left, with all of this going on around you to remain positive, and the feelings of guilt, sorrow, hope and fear, overwhelm you.I hope you never have to see a child's head bolted to a table as they receive radiation.I hope you never have to take your child home(grateful but so afraid)in a wheelchair because the chemo and radiation has damaged their muscles,35 pounds lighter,pale, bald, and scarred.And they look at you with faith in their eyes and say, "It's going to be okay Mommy."I hope you never have to watch a family wandering aimlessly, minutes after their child's body has been removed.I hope you never have to face the few friends that have stuck by you and hear them say, "Thank God, that is over with,"...because you know it never will be.Your life becomes a whirl of doctors, blood test and MRI's and you try to get your life back to "normal".While living in mind-numbing fear that anyone of these tests could result in hearing the dreaded words..."The cancer has returned" or "the tumor is growing".And your friends become even fewer.I hope you never have to experience any of these things,...Because...only then...Will you understand....Written by: Carol Baan    Posted Dec 17 2007, 02:58 PM by admin with no comments