It is always a challenge for me to start a new post, I have so much on my mind I never know where to begin.
Let me start by saying we are all doing the best we can. Every day continues to be a challenge without Samantha. I feel as time goes by I get deeper into the why's and how's. I am struggling with memories of a happier time vs. the reality of what has happened to my daughter. I can't help but wonder who she would be today, what would be her favorite toy, how would she be doing in school, who would be her best friend etc.. The every day life things that would have continued to mold her into the next phase of her life break me down. These things I try not to take for granted with my boys.
Jason shows us so many signs of his big sister with his expressions, his hugs, and his beautiful smile. Christopher continues to bring up memories that I have not thought of and love to remember when he brings it back to me..... there is forever a gaping hole in my sole where my daughter's life on earth should fill. I don't know how to help that pain & I don't think it is possible that it will ever subside.
There have been so many of you who email or call to check in on us and as always we are forever grateful for your friendships and love. I do apologize for my lack of responding. I find it very hard to return calls or even emails. I don't want to go into "hiding" but the simple truth is I can't honestly answer "how are you". Jason has just learned the phrase "are you okay" and he ask's me about 50 times a day...... one day I finally broke and screamed no I am not Okay.. I will never be okay. the poor kid was looking at me like what's your problem! I felt awful. The truth did not set me free.
We have started what we think of as a "new family tradition" and for the 2nd year in a row we took our vacation the week Christopher finished school to Captiva. The beauty and peacefulness there is undescribable. Although we find it hard to do anything new without Samantha her presence is always very much with us there. This year we had several reminders of her one rainy morning through the TV, different sayings she would have that we hadn't heard in 2 years and so on. Everything that morning was telling us Samantha was with us. Kurt was yelling for me while I was in the shower to hurry and get out. I came running and saw a beautiful rainbow that covered the gulf.. It was breath taking and we new it was Samantha as breath taking as she was there was no other explanation for it. Again I found peace in being there, Thank you my sweet Samantha. You continue to shine and show us your love. We hope you feel our un-dying love for you sweetheart. It is so difficult living without you here and we are all lost without you baby girl.
We are still looking to assist families with the proceeds from this years Golf Outing. If anyone know's of a family struggling with a child fighting cancer please refer them to us so we can help.
Thanks for continuing to check in on us.
With Love,
Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason